I do not want to fix someone. I’m too busy working on myself. I wouldn’t want to date someone who isn’t doing the same, who doesn’t see the value in growth. I’m not here to hold someone’s hand while they learn how to grow up. I’m not a pre-school teacher; I’m not a therapist. A man is not an art project to be cut up into little pieces and glued back together. You’re your own fixer-upper, honey; do with that what you will.
I don’t want to date someone indifferent to themselves or to me. Is it an oddity that I don’t want to be treated like crap? I do not have time to hopelessly await someone’s phone call; I do not have time to place heaps of unwarranted blame on myself when someone or something seemingly ‘disappears.’ I don’t have the time to jump through hoops to prove that I am worthy of someone’s affections, and even if I did have the time? That’s not how I would spend it.
Which is why, when given the choice, I want to date a Good Guy. I want someone who is a real, flawed human being – someone who, despite those flaws, makes the conscious, ongoing effort to act benevolently toward the people around him. Someone who is capable of letting go of whatever Grave Injustices were done to him, who doesn’t blame the world for his misfortunes. Someone who respects himself, who wants to be with someone who will treat him the way he deserves to be treated. Someone who is nice but not a doormat, someone who is confident but not an asshole.
So, to the ladies who want assholes, keep them. I’ll take the sane, emotionally stable man any day.
“Being born a woman is an awful tragedy… Yes, my consuming desire to mingle with road crews, sailors and soldiers, bar room regulars - to be a part of a scene, anonymous, listening, recording - all is spoiled by the fact that I am a girl, a female always in danger of assault and battery. My consuming interest in men and their lives is often misconstrued as a desire to seduce them, or as an invitation to intimacy. Yet, God, I want to talk to everybody I can as deeply as I can. I want to be able to sleep in an open field, to travel west, to walk freely at night…”—
Remember to take advantage. Accept invitations, talk to strangers, go to sleep at 7 p.m. if that’s what makes you happy. Do everything you have time to do and when you’ve finished, do it all over again
Believe in yourself. Don’t feel like you’re not good enough to be loved. Self-pity is a good way to stay single. Self-respect is a good way to stay grounded. Remember that people who are in relationships were once single.
Remember that people in relationships have problems, too. Don’t feel jealous or wish them ill or think they have it easier than you do. Sometimes a coupled person, miles away from where you rest your head, will cry himself to sleep because of the loneliness that can exist in a relationship. Remember that.
Remember that sex will not trick someone into falling in love with you. Do not use it as a tool. Do not use it as a weapon. Do not use it as a means to an end. Have it and enjoy it, but do not abuse it or mistake it for love.
Don’t dwell on the things you can’t change about yourself: your height or your age or your past. Change the way you think about the those things and be done with them. Remember that everyone struggles with the hand they’ve been dealt; in that way you are very much not alone.
Remember to have fun. Spend time with your family and friends. Read more. Create something you’re proud of. Make your own rules and then break them. Swap spit. Take trips alone. Love yourself. Be selfish without being malevolent. Flirt. Treat yourself to an expensive dinner because you deserve it, you deserve it all.
Just a few tidbits I especially liked from this essay.